In 2013, there’s some sports stuff I want to hear, and don’t want to hear.
WHAT I DON’T WANT TO HEAR
“Russell Wilson is slow to get up.”
“The Big East Conference is pleased to announce the addition of the University of Hawaii, and the Sorbonne.“
“The initial excavation revealed the remains of a prehistoric village that carbon-dates to at least 10,000 years ago. So until researchers more fully examine the extraordinary discovery, the arena construction at this site is on hold until further notice.’
“He scores the basketball well.” As opposed to what, a bowling ball?
“The Mariners announced today that they now oppose the completion of the deep-bore tunnel project that will replace the Alaskan Way Viaduct by 2016. The Mariners say the tunnel represents another impediment for the SoDo neighborhood, the location of Safeco Field, to return to 1995.”
ESPN’s Chris Berman referencing any Seattle landmark, custom or music as if he were leading a group of cultural anthropologists to his discovery of a lost tribe in Borneo.
Mike Leach, Howard Lincoln, Hope Solo, Tony Wroten: “I made a mistake.”
“We want to thank Lane Kiffin for his service during a difficult transition for USC, but now the Trojans family is very excited to bring back a man who has been lost in the wilderness until his return home today — Steve Sarkisian!”
“Chip Kelly said he was seriously considering an NFL head-coaching offer, but nothing matched the offer from Washington, estimated at $50 million over five years, making him the highest salaried person doing anything, anywhere. ‘(Athletic director) Scott Woodward is a serious man,'” Kelly said at the press conference. “He had me at: ‘There’s no way UW beats the Ducks as long as I coach Oregon.’ Then, to name the new stadium after me . . . ‘ he said, then paused and teared up.”
Explaining his rationale to attempt a 61-yard field goal by Hauschka against the Redskins when he had often passed on shorter field goals during the regular season, Pete Carroll said, “Another hormonal upsurge.”
WHAT I DO WANT TO HEAR IN 2013
The new radio voice of the Mariners: “Felix has done it AGAIN!”
“I didn’t want to tell anybody, but all last season I was playing with a dental condition that involved two extra teeth growing into my smile. But after the surgery, I feel as good as I did my sophomore year. You’re going to see the old Keith Price!”
“Until we get real grass in the Clink, we’ll never get the high-end DPs to come play here. They hate turf. So we either need to make a commitment to a grass field, or accept that the Sounders will usually be a good MLS team, but never a champion.”
“Let’s face it. These kids today don’t respond to anything but but corporal punishment. So if it’s hosing them down with water, or hitting ’em with the hose, Washington State is committed to building tough football players. Every school does this stuff; I’m just honest enough to admit it, and (AD) Bill Moos is tough enough to not care. Besides, I’m already the best coach in the state.”
“The University of Washington is committed to the comfort and convenience of its customers on Saturdays, and is proud to be the first Pac-12 Conference member to limit to two per season the number of home games starting after 1 p.m.”
Asked what the difference was between this year’s team and previous Huskies teams under his command, Lorenzo Romar said, “No question about it. We need a tough guy. We should have recruited Gary Bell Jr. instead of Tony Wroten.”
“Regarding the decisions that were made about the substitute officials, some of the issues regarding the bounty system in New Orleans, as well as the handling of our drug-testing program, I would like to offer my apologies for operating the NFL in a manner to which it is unaccustomed.”
“Lee Corso was taken to the campus hospital after his pre-game TV ritual went awry. He was unable to remove the mascot head of the Fighting Fungus of Southwestern Bacteria State. Sources tell ESPN that Corso is expected to survive the swelling stemming from a severe allergic reaction to Grown-Ass Man disease, a condition induced by the sudden awareness of what he was doing.”
“The decisive factor, according to a story in the Scaramento Bee, was the threat by the NBA to reveal that the Maloof brothers ownership thought that the Isaiah Thomas the Kings drafted out of Washington in 2011 was the same Isiah Thomas they grew up cheering as fans of the Detroit Pistons. When co-owner Gavin Maloof attempted to appoint the younger Thomas as general manager, succeeding the retiring Geoff Petrie, the NBA voided the transaction, took over operations of the Kings franchise and awarded it to Seattle arena builder Chris Hansen without compensation.”
In a teleconference after his dismissal, Eric Wedge dropped the careful veneer of diplomacy he maintained as Mariners manager: “This club isn’t going anywhere until it grows some stones. We’ve lost more fans than Raul Ibanez has lost fly balls in the outfield. We can’t keep shopping at the blue-light table for players when the Angels and Rangers are shopping at Tiffany’s. How long does this go on? Obviously, I don’t have to care anymore. Does anyone else?”
Asked for his thoughts as he held the Lombardi Trophy in the Superdome, Russell Wilson told a national TV audience: “Stay in the now. Separation is in the preparation. Doesn’t matter where we play; a hundred yards is a hundred yards. Each week is a championship week. Go 1-0 every week. The offensive line did a great job. The defense did a great job. Special teams did a great job. The coaching staff did a great job preparing us.”
In the thrill of a championship, even a dial tone sounds like a Beethoven symphony.